30 Day Song Challenge: This Time Last Year (A Confession)

There was this boy.

We met online. Honestly, I wasn't looking for a relationship, or even planning on dating at that moment. I had broken up with someone and I just went onto the dating web site to closeout the connection to that person. That's when this one communication request jumped out at me. As I read the information in his profile I was greatly compelled to respond - but I wasn't looking for a relationship .... Next thing I knew, after a series of "guided communication" questions and many, many, many e-mails, there was a date planned with this boy.

"I don't know. I'm not sure."

That is what I told BFF and S when they asked about the date. It wasn't normal for me to be so indifferent - especially about a boy. I may be a lot of things, but indifferent is not one of them.

'Til this day, I still wonder if BFF was ever suspect of what was going on. I know she wondered why I continued to date someone I appeared to be indifferent about, but I wonder if she knew what was happening to me before I figured it out for myself.

I can tell you the exact moment I fell for said boy. It was on our first date. We were having frozen yogurt and chatting it up about . . . well, I can't remember exactly what we were chatting it up about, but I do remember looking at him and getting "a feeling." It scared the shit out of me. The more and more I got to know him the more and more I felt this feeling. This caused me to continue declaring "I don't know" to my friends.

Who was I kidding? I did in fact know. A few months into the relationship my friends FireFly and Susanna the Short began telling me to stop kidding myself about how I felt and just admit the truth - oh, and to enjoy it.

Day 30: Your favorite song this time last year . . . .

I won't share anymore details about this relationship. (They aren't for public consumption.) All I will say is that this story does not end with "and they lived happily ever after."

Recently, while I was syncing my iPod with my computer, I noticed that iTunes tracks and displays the number of times you've played each song. Out of curiosity I arranged the songs by the number of plays. That is when I discovered this song at the top of the list . . . My jaw dropped. I knew why it was at the top of the list, but I guess I never expected that I had played the song a few hundred times.

(I could pretend like this wasn't my favorite song last year, and furthermore why it was my favorite song, but the only person I'd really be fooling is myself - and I already did that, once.)

Looking back, this should have been my second clue that "I don't know" was just my way of trying to protect my heart which at the time was trying to run a-muck with giddiness and happiness. If only . . .

Until later . . .