It Wasn't Physical But It Still Really Hurt

For the Thursday Blogging group project this week, momarock picked the topic: What is the worst physical trauma (or pain) you've ever been in?

Before I start with my post, I want to say I thought LONG and HARD about what I was going to write about and kept coming back to this. This is truly the worst and most painful trauma that I have been through in my life . . . .

Throughout my life I've been bumped, bruised and even taken to the hospital for a sprained ankle after the tires on my bike slipped and landed my left ankle (which might I say had already been sprained once before this incident). However, the greatest physical trauma I've ever experienced, and left the greatest scar, did not come from being physical injured.

Unless you are close to me, you probably would not guess I am a Domestic Violence Victim Survivor. On the surface I look like your average, middle-aged women going about her day-to-day life, but that is not the case . . .

Sometime ago I was associated with someone who was emotionally, psychologically and mentally abusive. Like most domestic violence stories it did not start out this way. The individual in question was kind and caring - someone I was very close too; however, overtime that changed. Before I knew it, the kindness and caring also came along with put downs and anger... and then violent behavior such as throwing things in my general direction when they were mad at me. All the abuse came to a head one evening and ultimately ended in an arrest.

In the early days, after the arrest, I did not sleep well. Insomnia and I were best buds and I got to know the late-night/early-morning TV schedule extremely well. As one would imagine this took a toll on my energy levels during the day. I was extremely thankful I had a few places at work to take naps on my lunch hour. However, that just was not enough rest to get me through the day and when I would get home from work I would immediately go to sleep after I ate dinner. This only furthered my sleep deprivation issues. I could usually run this pattern for three or four days at a time before needing to have a marathon sleep session - 12 to 14 hours of sleep at one time. Naps in the middle of the day on the weekends were a given.

Another physical reaction to all this trauma was that I lost 20 pounds in about a month and a half. During that time period someone once told me I needed to eat more... I simply replied that I was eating - a lot - however my body was in such an alarmed state that my metabolism was burning those calories quickly.

All the "physical stuff" last six months, tops. That is why I say "it was not physical, but it still really hurt." In my situation, I feel the physical effects were the easy part to get through. I still had many emotional wounds to heal. As I ventured into the legal portion of my domestic violence experience, I learned that since I had not been physically hurt should the continuation of the protection order I had petitioned to get extended be contested there was a chance it would not be granted. At that very moment I couldn't even begin to explain how devalued I felt. I remember standing in the courtroom feeling completely blind-sided. On many occasions I commented that I recognize the legal system needs to have tangible guidelines in order to convict someone of a crime; however, I am here to tell you being told, during some of the worst hours of your life, that since you do not have a physical scars the person who you fear the most in life may be allowed to be in a room alone with you just adds to the already deep-seeded panic and anxiety you already carry around on a daily basis. (A feeling that is like a paper weight on your shoulder.)

Being put down and manipulated, amongst other things, takes a toll on ones being and can mess with them years after the abuse has ended. For me, it's been a long road. It's been difficult to mend the wounds that formed so quickly. In the beginning, when I would talk about what happened, I would cry uncontrollably. No matter how hard I tried, the tears would emerge as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I would shake and my heart would race. Then, over time I stopped crying. Soon after that I stopped shaking and my heart stayed at a steady, regular pace as I would relay details.

These days, I can talk about those times as if I were talking about what I had for dinner. I do not break-down anymore. (At least I don't 99% of the time.) Actually, I think those that know me are amazed by my ability to talk (and write) about those times in such an unemotional and matter of fact way, however that doesn't mean I still don't feel the pain.

I am not the person I was before the abuse. This event undoubtedly changed me. When I say that, I like to think of the positive ways it changed me. It's motivated me to help others like me heal. It's forced me to really be sure the people I am sharing my life with are good people. It gives me the motivation to give myself a swift-kick in the ass when I can recognize I need it the most. However, I also recognize that it has changed me in negative ways as well .... and I am constantly trying to minimize this part of things.

I really wish I could fully put into words the hurt I felt from this experience, but I will never really be able too. Unfortunately, you need to experience it yourself to understand. That is why I really hope you don't understand. Ultimately, it's my hope that I do not know many who can relate to the pain I experienced.


Now that I have talked about my most traumatizing pain, please read what my fellow blogger have to say . . .

• Merryland Girl (Melissa)

• Mom of Many (Susanna)

• Momarock (Sara)

Until later . . .