365 Days Later

I always forget how subconsciously October, November, December and January are tough months for me.

Typically, it's not until I'm somewhere into February that I really remember why those four months present challenges. The obvious answer, for those that don't know much about my life, would be that it's the change in the weather. I'm not going to lie and say I love the cold, but I know that isn't the real reason. In short, several years back, a bunch of bad things took place during these months. October and November were "lite" in terms of these events; while December is when things ramped-up and January is when shit really hit the fan. Since then, without even realize I'm doing it, I seem to slip into a different mindset during these months which seems to effect a lot of the things I do.

As I was making my way from the city to a friend's house in the suburbs Friday night, it hit me what time of year it was and that that last year around this time is when I began to feel as though my life was falling apart. I felt as though I had no control over what was taking place. To some extent this was the case - my life seemed to be a clusterfuck of bad events one, after another, after another. I was constantly on pins and needles waiting for yet another "shoe to drop."

Honestly, I'm thankful this year I remember all this. As I mentioned above, I don't typically recall this until it's too late. This is especially important to me this year because my perspective on things has shifted so drastically over the past year and I feared these months to some extent. I feared how I would feel around this time of year because I didn't want it to effect me as it had in the past. I wanted to be more aware of what was going on so I could make sure it wouldn't take over as it had before.

Life this past year, though not perfect, has over all been good. As a friend pointed out to me at dinner last night, I've done a lot this year and I've had a lot of cool experiences. She was right. I have done a lot this year and had a lot of cool experiences which is another thing I was thinking about as I was driving since I had just finished up having one of those really cool experiences.

It was during this drive that I realized that I didn't have anything to worry about the upcoming months. I began to feel more confident that I would make it through this period of time in a more graceful manner than I have in past years.... at least that is my hope.

Last November, I told someone "A lot can change in a year." When I originally uttered those words I wasn't thinking that there would be a lot of change in my life. I was referring to their situation and feelings. In some ways, a year later how I feel about certain things hasn't changed that much - or at all for that matter. However, in other ways things have changed a lot for me and I can't help but step back for a moment to acknowledge this - especially during a time of year when things typically seem to retreat backwards.

I'm not really out to make any point with this post. Take from it what you may. For me, I'm just marking a moment in time that normally is craptastic and uncomfortable as one that is more calm and peaceful than past years. I'm marking the my hopeful outlook that I will continue to feel this way through the coming months. That whatever change that has taken place is truly real and not just a weather related phenomenon that goes away as soon as the temperature falls below a particular degree point.

Until later . . .