Who I Was. Who I Am. Who I Will Be?

As of today I have been blogging for three years. Over the past couple of years I found myself taking a step back to about this time of year and looking at my life. In 2009 and last year, this mainly had to do with the events that took place in 2008 - a series of events that had a large impact on my life. This year, however, the major catalyst for this reflection has nothing to do with the any of the events of 2008. Instead, it has to do with things that have taken place during the first six months of 2011.

Who I Was.

Initially when I think about "who I was" my thoughts go back to late 2003/early 2004, not 2008. It's the last time I felt like I was "me." That statement seems a little weird to say, but if you've ever experienced a time in your life when you feel you had drifted far from who you really were, then you get what I am saying.

During this period of time I made a series of decisions that at the time I felt were what I wanted, and were right for me, but ultimately changed me in ways I would have never imagined and wouldn't realize until years later.

Long before I started this blog back in 2008 my zest for life and "go get 'em" out look had been beaten down. A lot of the things I aspired to do in my life had fallen by the wayside and my outlook on life was not so inspirational. Despite my ever-present internal optimist, my outward cynic had taken over more than I ever imagined it would. I did what I had to do to get by, but that was it.

Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't think I had what it took to achieve greatness; deep inside I knew I did. However, I had allowed a darker force to take that feeling away from me. As a result there was a void in my life that I couldn't seem to fill. A void that would make even feeling content with life seem so far away, or even impossible. Negativity had taken over me - one that I would not recognize for sometime.


Who I am.

When I began to blog back in 2008, this "dark force" I speak of was beginning to leave my life - literally. However, the impact of its presence still remained with me for a few more years.

There were signs in early 2009 that the "old me" was returning, but a full reemergence hadn't taken place. It really wasn't until this past March that I even started to think that there was actually a chance that I would be "me" again. Then, I hit a major turning point. I wrote a personal statement, which seemed to fully wipe away any traces of the dark force in my life.

Since that point in time I have felt a change. It's a change that others in my life have recognized as well. The first person to mention this change to me was FireFly. She even did the unthinkable - she used the "H" word in regards to me. What's the "H" word? Happy. Out of context you can't understand why that would come up, but nonetheless she said I was "happy now." Then, StarFruitKnits said it. Even Yelper picked up on this change in me despite the fact that we've never actually met in person. When I asked how he knew this was the case he said, there is a difference in my responses and the things I talk about.

What makes being "me" again even better than before is the fact that I never thought I'd get here. I've regained my zest for life and "go get 'em" mindset. Actually, I've also gained a sense of peace and calm that I have never felt before.

Sure the past couple of years have changed me, but the fact that I've mostly returned to who I was is such a reassuring feeling. I'll even go on record by saying: I am in fact happy.

I still have bad days - we all do. However, when those times come around I view them differently than I have in the past.


Who I will be?

Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see what the future has in store me. Other days, I find not knowing is part of the fun of life. As for who I will be in the future, I have a few ideas. Now that I am me again, I feel the possibilities are limitless. Actually, there are a few things that I have in mind for my future. Whether or not each and every one of these things will come to pass is yet to be seen.

At the end of the day, I feel a deep sense that the best is yet to come for me and, more importantly, I know that I'm on my way to being the best person I can possibly be.



Until later . . .