Who I Was. Who I Am. Who I Will Be?

As of today I have been blogging for three years. Over the past couple of years I found myself taking a step back to about this time of year and looking at my life. In 2009 and last year, this mainly had to do with the events that took place in 2008 - a series of events that had a large impact on my life. This year, however, the major catalyst for this reflection has nothing to do with the any of the events of 2008. Instead, it has to do with things that have taken place during the first six months of 2011.

Who I Was.

Initially when I think about "who I was" my thoughts go back to late 2003/early 2004, not 2008. It's the last time I felt like I was "me." That statement seems a little weird to say, but if you've ever experienced a time in your life when you feel you had drifted far from who you really were, then you get what I am saying.

During this period of time I made a series of decisions that at the time I felt were what I wanted, and were right for me, but ultimately changed me in ways I would have never imagined and wouldn't realize until years later.

Long before I started this blog back in 2008 my zest for life and "go get 'em" out look had been beaten down. A lot of the things I aspired to do in my life had fallen by the wayside and my outlook on life was not so inspirational. Despite my ever-present internal optimist, my outward cynic had taken over more than I ever imagined it would. I did what I had to do to get by, but that was it.

Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't that I didn't think I had what it took to achieve greatness; deep inside I knew I did. However, I had allowed a darker force to take that feeling away from me. As a result there was a void in my life that I couldn't seem to fill. A void that would make even feeling content with life seem so far away, or even impossible. Negativity had taken over me - one that I would not recognize for sometime.


Who I am.

When I began to blog back in 2008, this "dark force" I speak of was beginning to leave my life - literally. However, the impact of its presence still remained with me for a few more years.

There were signs in early 2009 that the "old me" was returning, but a full reemergence hadn't taken place. It really wasn't until this past March that I even started to think that there was actually a chance that I would be "me" again. Then, I hit a major turning point. I wrote a personal statement, which seemed to fully wipe away any traces of the dark force in my life.

Since that point in time I have felt a change. It's a change that others in my life have recognized as well. The first person to mention this change to me was FireFly. She even did the unthinkable - she used the "H" word in regards to me. What's the "H" word? Happy. Out of context you can't understand why that would come up, but nonetheless she said I was "happy now." Then, StarFruitKnits said it. Even Yelper picked up on this change in me despite the fact that we've never actually met in person. When I asked how he knew this was the case he said, there is a difference in my responses and the things I talk about.

What makes being "me" again even better than before is the fact that I never thought I'd get here. I've regained my zest for life and "go get 'em" mindset. Actually, I've also gained a sense of peace and calm that I have never felt before.

Sure the past couple of years have changed me, but the fact that I've mostly returned to who I was is such a reassuring feeling. I'll even go on record by saying: I am in fact happy.

I still have bad days - we all do. However, when those times come around I view them differently than I have in the past.


Who I will be?

Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see what the future has in store me. Other days, I find not knowing is part of the fun of life. As for who I will be in the future, I have a few ideas. Now that I am me again, I feel the possibilities are limitless. Actually, there are a few things that I have in mind for my future. Whether or not each and every one of these things will come to pass is yet to be seen.

At the end of the day, I feel a deep sense that the best is yet to come for me and, more importantly, I know that I'm on my way to being the best person I can possibly be.



Until later . . .

Hotel Queen

It's Thursday once again which means it's time for another Thursday Blog Project topic. This week, Susanna, the Mom of Many, asked us to discuss: Your worst vacation experience.

After much thought on about this topic I decided to alter it a tad. There isn't one bad vacation experience that jumps out at me to talk about. If I've had any bad vacations, it had more to do with my companion then anything else. Since I don't want to point a finger at anyone one particular person I will not get into details on that matter. Instead, I will talk about the term "Hotel Queen" and how I became familiar with it.

In 2007, the ex and I traveled to Ft. Worth for my youngest cousin's oldest daughter's Bat Mitzvah. My mom came with us as well. However, the ex and I decided to stay in different lodging accommodations than my mom - less expensive accommodations. Even though the ex was tall we went with a queen size bed because we knew it would be fine for just a few nights. Or so we thought.

Upon arriving, we came to find out this queen size bed was more like a full size bed. For someone as tall as he is, it wasn't going to work. We talked about moving locations, but we didn't (though I can't quite remember why though). Instead, we took turns sleeping in the bed while the other slept on the sofa that was in the room. Let's just say it made the trip challenging.

We talked to management about this matter and they claimed we had a room with a queen size bed. Actually, what they said was that it was a "hotel queen," which was apparently slightly smaller than a queen size bed you or I would purchase for our home.

Until this day I really don't buy this explanation. Actually, I need to check with Bostonian about this because he use to work in the hospitality industry. If anyone would know if they were bullshitting us it would be him. At the end of the day, I complained enough that we got a refund on our stay and many rewards points to "compensate" us. (I don't believe that was the only thing wrong with these accommodations, but it surely was the main issue.)

Oh, both the ex and I got food poisoning on this trip as well. I can say with confidence we were both very happy when we finally got home.

Now that I've talked about a bad travel experience of mine, please take a few moments to read what my fellow bloggers have to say about their worst vacation experience:

• Mom of Many (Susanna)

• Momarock (Sara)

• Merryland Girl (Melissa)