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31.10.11

Grover Opened A Massive Can Of Elephant Worms

Just some random thoughts to end the day . . .


• Are there some matters that are better left untouched regardless of how important it is that they be addressed???

You know those matters... They are the one you tuck far back in the corner of the closet with the intention that they'll never, ever, see the light of day. From time-to-time you take them out of their hiding place, take a look at 'em and then, once again, decide they're best kept tucked far, far away.

I didn't really mean to send the text message, however my finger somehow pushed the send button and off it went. I didn't mean to start "trouble." When I look back on that moment, I think there must have been something in my Chai Latte that caused me to have a massive bout of bravery. (It also didn't help that StarFruitKnits encouraged me to do it as well - at least that is the story that I'm sticking with).

That was a month ago. A month ago I opened a massive can of elephant worms that had been sitting in the closet for g-d only knows how long. (Ok, I know how long it has been there, but I'm not at liberty to say - it would give too much away.) I say "elephant worms" because it was like a purple suede elephant that we just ignored even though we knew it was there.

I've only sorta talked about the content of this text with its recipient. We've managed to skirt-over the matter. We both agree at some point we will need to address things, but for now we both seem to be fine with acknowledging the elephant worms and letting them slither around causing a bit of a slimy mess that stays in the back of my mind.

All this makes the other elephant keeping me company seem like nothing which is something I never thought would happen.

• In a recent tweet, I accident typed "Grover" instead of "groove." (How I got "Grover" from "groove" is really beyond me.) Anyhow, PT commented on my tweet which is what brought the error to my attention. PT said it was cute, which was nice of him to say. Initially I felt a bit on the stupid side for the mistake, but that might have had something to do with other unrelated factors. In the end, I eventually laughed about the whole thing. I also appreciated PT's sweet remarks. Also, I know I'll never look at a picture of Grover again without smiling and thinking of this mis-tweet.

• I had another crazy idea . . . . I've been seriously thinking about participating in 12 5k races in 2012. In theory, if I were to execute this plan, that would mean I would participate in one 5k race a month. Though doable, this leads me to the thought that I may have to travel to accomplish this goal; which never in my life did I ever imagine I would consider doing just so I could run 3.1 miles. (Seriously, I don't recognize myself right now.)

• I got D to commit to run a race with me in 2012. Now I'm working on BFF (I would totally travel to her if she agreed to run a race with me!). I tried recruiting Ash, but with his family's ever changing schedule, it's hard for him to commit. Apparently I'm also on a quest to recruit as many of my friends as possible to run 5k races with me. (Again, who is this person?)

• I have a lot of stuff to accomplish during the next two months, I hope this feeling of calm that I am experiencing right now lasts for awhile - I like it, A LOT!

• My reward for getting through all the stuff I have to accomplish is attending my first Blackhawk game. At the time I bought the ticket none of this was on my plate. Now, however, this is one of my incentives to keep going.

• I got my first b-day discount certificate in the mail two weeks ago from my favorite places to buy clothes. I hadn't really thought about my birthday up until that point, and honestly all I can really think in regards to my b-day is - it's November already? Where did this year go???

• This morning I heard "Thriller" on the radio. Then this evening I heard the song, "Ghostbusters." Just as I thought that it would be officially Halloween if I heard "Monster Mash," I flipped stations and there that song was - Halloween was officially complete!

• I never knew there was such a thing as "a perfect last day," but it turns out there is - and I experienced it. #thisisafirst

• Tomorrow I know will be challenging for me, but at least I know tonight I'm going to be happy when I go to sleep and I will keep that in mind as long as I possibly can.

Until later . . .

30.10.11

And Another Chapter Comes To A Close

Tomorrow, another chapter of my life will come to an end.

Over the past couple of years I've had a lot of chapters end just as quickly as they began. Though I call them chapters, they are probably more like sub-chapters of some greater chapter of my life that I will one day look back on and refer too. Until that day, I will continue to call them chapters.

When I started this chapter two months ago I did with much hesitation. Furthermore, to say things got off to a rocky start was putting it nicely. About three weeks into the experience I had my concerns regarding the whole situation and at times regretted my decision; however, somewhere along the way things shifted. Before I knew it I had begun to write this story more freely, and with more enthusiasm, than I had in the beginning. I opened up my mind, and my heart, and found things that I could take-away from the experience rather than focus on the things the things I wouldn't get from it.

Earlier this week, when it became apparent that the end was drawing near, my open mind, and heart, begun to close at a faster pace than it had initially opened. I wasn't surprised by my behavior - I was self-protecting. I had let down my guard without even realizing it and I wanted it back, quickly, so when the end had arrived I wouldn't be so upset. See, I'm not a fan of goodbyes; however, over the past couple of years I seem to be saying goodbye a lot in one way or another.

As I finalized the end of this chapter late this past week, I found my mind and heart once again open. I was surprised by this occurrence. This is not normal for me when I know the end is coming. However, I guess this is just further shows me that I am not my "normal" self anymore.

I'm not sure when the next chapter will be written. It could be awhile. Until then, I will look back on this chapter with fondness and appreciate what I got out of the experience.

On a somewhat related note, tomorrow will also bring the last day I post my random writing to this blog. For sometime I've wanted establish a new blog that more accurately reflected me. I still knit, but not like I use too. Furthermore, it's very far and few between that I actually blog about knitting. I will continue to maintain this blog, however any entries posted to it will be crafting related. All other topics I explore will be posted to my new blog; simply titled: Froggie.

Until later . . .

27.10.11

iFail

In the weeks that have followed the passing of Steve Jobs there has been a lot of talk about his views on failure. Today's Thursday blog post is was inspired by these articles... This week, Susanna to ask us to write about something we have failed at and the lesson we learned from the experience.

Here are some of my thoughts on failure . . .

One of the first articles I saw about Steve Jobs' outlook on failure was this one from The Huffington Post. It made such a impression on that I posted it on my Facebook page and Twitter feed.

Until that point, I never really knew the extent of Jobs failures - only his successes. What I like most about his philosophy regarding failure was the idea that in order to be successful we all must fail. However, as I thought more and more about this article I began to wonder what if you are someone seems to continuously stumble - aka, fail.

Yesterday, I was texting messaging with Ash regarding failure (it was relevant to our conversation). As the messages flew back and forth (thanks to iOS5's unlimited messaging), Ash cited Thomas Edison's 999 attempts to create a light bulb that didn't work. Edison's famous quote from this experience goes, "I did not fail---I just learn 999 ways on how not to make a light bulb.” The idea is that Edison's triumph should inspire people to continue to persevere when they want to just want to give up.

As I pondered the topic more, I venture intro the contradiction that seems to exists when it comes to the message people receive regarding failure. On one hand we're told it's ok to fail because it's part of being human and we learn from our failures. On the other hand, we (as a society) laugh at and mock others failures by posting them online via such blogs at Fail Blog or Failure Magazine. To further this mockery, readers of these blogs make further fun of what they see by through their comment on it, and in some cases rate the level of "fail." All this leads me to ask, how much do we really practice what we preach? Or, do we just want to put on a good face in public just for the sake of looking good to others, however show our true colors when we hide behind a computer screen? I don't know the answers, but it's just something to consider.

Failure can be embarrassing or a sensitive topic depending on who you are talking too. Especially when a failure is regarding something incredibly personal or when a person feels like all they do is fail.

In the end, I think the important thing to constantly remind ourselves is that if we didn't fail, we wouldn't know that when we have succeeded; however, I can understand why it's hard to remember when you are in the thick of things.

Now that I've talked about failure, please see what my fellow bloggers have to say about the topic:


Mom of Many (Susanna)

Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Until later . . .

23.10.11

365 Days Later

I always forget how subconsciously October, November, December and January are tough months for me.

Typically, it's not until I'm somewhere into February that I really remember why those four months present challenges. The obvious answer, for those that don't know much about my life, would be that it's the change in the weather. I'm not going to lie and say I love the cold, but I know that isn't the real reason. In short, several years back, a bunch of bad things took place during these months. October and November were "lite" in terms of these events; while December is when things ramped-up and January is when shit really hit the fan. Since then, without even realize I'm doing it, I seem to slip into a different mindset during these months which seems to effect a lot of the things I do.

As I was making my way from the city to a friend's house in the suburbs Friday night, it hit me what time of year it was and that that last year around this time is when I began to feel as though my life was falling apart. I felt as though I had no control over what was taking place. To some extent this was the case - my life seemed to be a clusterfuck of bad events one, after another, after another. I was constantly on pins and needles waiting for yet another "shoe to drop."

Honestly, I'm thankful this year I remember all this. As I mentioned above, I don't typically recall this until it's too late. This is especially important to me this year because my perspective on things has shifted so drastically over the past year and I feared these months to some extent. I feared how I would feel around this time of year because I didn't want it to effect me as it had in the past. I wanted to be more aware of what was going on so I could make sure it wouldn't take over as it had before.

Life this past year, though not perfect, has over all been good. As a friend pointed out to me at dinner last night, I've done a lot this year and I've had a lot of cool experiences. She was right. I have done a lot this year and had a lot of cool experiences which is another thing I was thinking about as I was driving since I had just finished up having one of those really cool experiences.

It was during this drive that I realized that I didn't have anything to worry about the upcoming months. I began to feel more confident that I would make it through this period of time in a more graceful manner than I have in past years.... at least that is my hope.

Last November, I told someone "A lot can change in a year." When I originally uttered those words I wasn't thinking that there would be a lot of change in my life. I was referring to their situation and feelings. In some ways, a year later how I feel about certain things hasn't changed that much - or at all for that matter. However, in other ways things have changed a lot for me and I can't help but step back for a moment to acknowledge this - especially during a time of year when things typically seem to retreat backwards.

I'm not really out to make any point with this post. Take from it what you may. For me, I'm just marking a moment in time that normally is craptastic and uncomfortable as one that is more calm and peaceful than past years. I'm marking the my hopeful outlook that I will continue to feel this way through the coming months. That whatever change that has taken place is truly real and not just a weather related phenomenon that goes away as soon as the temperature falls below a particular degree point.

Until later . . .

22.10.11

Halloween

This week's Thursday Blog topic, compliments of Melissa, is: Halloween

The last time I really remember participating in Halloween as back in 2001. I had just moved back to the Chicagoland area and the place I was working said we could dress up for work if we wanted - so I did! My middle brother had gone to fantasy baseball camp and had gotten a Cubs uniform with our last name on it. Since the Cubs are the family's favorite baseball team, I thought it would be the perfect costume - and it was! I loved having the opportunity to wear it.

Some years, I've either dress-up in orange and black, or wore t-shirts that say something like, "This is my costume." This has mainly been as an adult that I've done taken the easy way out of Halloween costumes.

One of my favorite parts of Halloween are haunted houses. I absolutely ***heart*** haunted houses. When I was in college, as part of our service projects, I worked at a haunted house at Six Flags in Arlington, TX. It was a blast! The first haunted house I ever went to was when I was in Elementary/Jr. High - I can't remember exactly when. I do, however, remember that I went with my dad. I kept telling myself that it was all fake and that they weren't going to hurt me, but that didn't keep me from being scared and creep-out. Another time I remember going was about 7/8 years ago with a friend of mine. At one point they herded a group of us into a small space and filled the room with those plastic balls they use for kids to jump at Discovery Zone. This part of the haunted house was called being "buried alive."

This year, I've been invited to a Halloween party, but I'm not sure if I'm going to make it because I have another commitment the same day/night. No matter what, I'm sure it will be a fun Halloween!

Now that you've read about my thoughts on the topic of Halloween, please take a moment to read what my fellow bloggers have to say:


Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Momarock (Sara)

Until later . . .

17.10.11

38:47.6

If I had a dollar for every time I told someone about this goal over the years I'd be a very rich woman.

Over the years, while sharing information about myself, such as my hobbies and interests, the fact that I wanted to complete a 5k race inevitably came up and every time I ended this part of the conversation the last thing I would say is, "I planned to do it soon." However, as I said above, I had the conversation many times which means I never really turned those words into actions.

That is until this year . . .

Earlier in the year as I was going through some e-mails I came upon one of the above mentioned conversations. Normally, I would have just ignored it and moved on with my day, but this time I looked at the date of the message - it was only a year old. As I looked at the words it dawned on me that I've been talking about this for many years now - and for some reason on this particular occasion that bothered me. That's when I decided this would be the year I would take action.

Sunday, just before 8 AM, I stood at the starting line waiting for the "Run For Her Life" race to begin, thinking to myself, "Wow, I'm really doing this!" Before I knew it, the race had started and I was on my way to completing my first 5k race experience.

During the first mile I spent a lot of time focusing on trying to pace myself and the fact that the rain wasn't letting up. I had been optimistic the rain would stop before we started the race, but that didn't prove to be the case. Actually, at one point we had a nice downpour. I had never run in increment weather conditions, so I was a bit concerned how it would affect my body and my overall run.

Even though I've trained consistently over the past couple months, I'm still in the process of building up my endurance, so throughout the run I found myself periodically walking. In high school, I had run track my freshman year. I was a sprinter. Running long distances was never my thing. This has been my weakness when it came to training for this race - learning to pace myself and build-up my endurance.

As I neared the first mile marker I couldn't help but look at the time. I really didn't want to because I kept telling myself that it was about completing the race, not how fast I completed the race. However, I looked - how could you not? It was right in front of me on a huge display. As I passed by the one mile marker, the clock display read: 11:00. Though anywhere from 10 - 12 minutes was par for the course during my practice runs, I was still impressed with myself. I grabbed a dixie cup full of water while trying not to slow-down fully and consumed it as quickly as I could. I felt bad throwing the cup on the ground like the others had, but I understood that's just what you do when running a race.

The second mile is where the course got more challenging. Prior to the race, S (who ran the race with me) and I diligently studied the course we would take during this race. (In theory it calmed our nerves.) This is when S pointed out that there was "elevation" along the way which in my mind meant slight, but not major, inclines. HA, was I wrong! Now, don't get me wrong, there were slight inclines, and then there were full-out hills. The path I had been taking for my training runs begins with a nice size incline, which I decided early on that I would run just to get practice running up inclines, however the hills we encountered Sunday made me feel as though I was back in Oregon and hadn't practiced on inclines at all. They were just too steep for my capabilities, so I found myself walking up them as quickly as possible. As one would imagine, this is where I began to lose even more time.

During the second mile, I thought a lot about my strategy for making up the time I lost walking up the hills. This basically equated to using gravity to my advantage when going down the hills. Walking up the hills took a lot out of my muscles and it was hard to start running again. By this point my muscles just didn't want to cooperate.

Also, by this point I began to see a pattern developing in my run/walk. There were about three of us that traveled most of the race together. The pattern started with me running in-between the two other individuals, and then I would stop to walk and would be passed by the individual who was behind me. After a few seconds of walking, I would once again start running and pass that same individual and take my place in the middle of the group.

As I passed the second mile mark, I once again glanced at the time. This time the clock read: 25:00.

Of all stages of this race, I'd have to say the last mile was the one where it wasn't only about my physical ability to finish the race, but it was about my mental ability to keep myself moving. Normally, all I have to do to keep myself motivated while running is play the song "Lose Yourself" and I'm good to go, but on this particular run that wasn't working.

During the third mile, I thought about my plans to participate in the Warrior Dash in 2012. I told myself a "warrior" would make it through a 5k without any problems.

As I neared the end of course I began to see a few individuals running towards me. They were familiar faces I had seen throughout the race and as I passed them I wanted to shout, "Hey, wrong way!" However, I refrained and went about the task at hand - finishing the race.

Just as I was made aware that I was entering into the home stretch of the course, the shuffle feature on my iPod started playing the song "Survivor" by Destiny's Child. Goose bumps took over my body because I realized this was the song I would be listening to when I crossed the finish line. Given the cause I was running for, Domestic Violence, and the meaning this song has in my life, I couldn't have chosen a better song to sum-up the day, the experience and all my personal thoughts and feelings associated with all these things. It was besherte.

As I turned my second to last corner I saw a crowd of people waiting at the end of the block. Even though the volume on my iPod was somewhat high, I could hear their cheering which only added to the adrenaline rush that had taken over my body. I could feel myself speeding up as I knew I was now only seconds away from completing my first 5k run.

As I crossed the finish line the display read: 39:01.

A volunteer met each runner at the end of the line with a bottle of water and heartfelt congratulations. As I took my bottle of water I began to cry a bit. The volunteer asked me if I was ok and I told her I was fine, there was no way I could explain to her exactly why I was crying.

I feel a little silly saying that I cried after completing the race, but the fact of the matter is that I did. Completing this race meant so much to me I really can't put the feelings into words. First and foremost, I had just achieved a goal I had talked about for 10 years. I wanted to write back to every individual I've shared this goal with over the past 10 years and tell them what I had achieved. Never again would I say, "one day" when I talked about running a 5k race. I was living a moment I had only dared to dream about for so long.

Additionally, my last two weeks of training had been challenging and my times not as strong as they had been early on in my training. Though I knew having a longer run time was ok, my competitive nature, and drive to push myself to do my very best, motivated me for a specific run time range. I was happy that I had finished with such a good time for me. Lastly, I was still thinking about the song I had just been listening to and the challenges that life has presented me over time. Not only have they made me a stronger person, I feel, they have made me a more caring and compassionate person ... and for that I am thankful.

Sunday evening, I went online to see if the official times had been posted. After locating the link to the race results I feverishly searched for my name as wanted to see my rank within the overall group and my age group as well.

As I scanned across this information, I noticed that my reported time was: 38:47.6.

"WHAT?" I thought to myself. Then it hit me that they have to technology to track when you cross the starting line so you are not penalized for being in the middle or back of the pak when the race begins. This made me feel even more proud of myself.

As I write this post, almost 40 hours later, I am still on a high from this experience. All I want to talk about is the race and I can't stop wondering when my next race will be. S suggested a race in December, however I have a conflict that day. Another friend of mine invited me to a race in November, but it's a 12 mile run with an obstacle course that makes the overall haul 18 - 20 miles. I politely passed on that invite stating I didn't feel prepared for the challenge. However, a part of me wonders if it's worth trying anyhow...

Before I sign off, I want to send some "thank yous" out to a few people:

To those who donated money to Family Shelter Service: In 2.5 days you raised $218 to help domestic violence victim reclaim their lives. I cannot begin to thank you for the amount of generosity you have shown.

To S and Ashley: Thank you for humoring me during the training process by accepting all the text messages I sent you regarding times, frustrations, etc. Y'all were great!

To all my family and friends: Thank you for your support and encouragement during this journey. Oh, and also for humoring me by commenting and liking my many, many, many Facebook statuses regarding my training progress.

To S: Thank you for asking if you could join me at this race after my friend I was originally going to do this with backed out. I couldn't have thought of a better person to share this experience with. Also, I know I said this Sunday, but again I will always find humor in the fact that when we first became friends getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to go buy yarn was so exciting for us and now what motivates us to get up at the ass-crack of dawn is to go run a race. How far we've come . . . I'm sure the amount of text messaging won't cease as we do have the Shamrock Shuffle in March and Fat Ass race in May to plan for!

Lastly, I want to say this experience has given me so much. It not only fulfilled a life goal of mine, it prompted me make healthier life choices than I have in the past.

This past April, I went to a wedding where I sat at a table of individual who participate in triathlons, and races similar to the race I ran on Sunday. At the time I was kind of bored listening to them talk about these things because I didn't understand their enthusiasm and didn't have anything to add to the conversation. However, now I get it. I have been bitten by this bug and I hope it's an infection that never wears off.

Until later . . .

15.10.11

12 Hours And Counting

It's exactly 12 hours before the 5k race I've been blabbering about for months now begins.

I have to admit I'm feeling somewhat like I did the night before I took the LSAT; however, unlike the LSAT the results for tomorrow's race really have no significant implications on my life in the big scheme of things. Surely, the race results will not determine whether or not I get accepted to school. Nor will I have to run another race if I don't do as well as I need too want too. Yet, I'm just as anxious.

My approach to training for this race was similar to the way I approached prepping for the LSAT. Practice! Practice!! Practice!!!

However, unlike the LSAT, my times for my runs have been fairly consistent and within a smaller span (within a 5 - 7 minute range). My LSAT practice test scores... more like a 30- point range. I think it's fair to say that I know pretty much how only it will take me to complete 3.1 miles tomorrow.

I'm not impressed with the amount of time it takes me to complete 3.1 miles. I'd like for it to be lower than it will most likely fall, but that's due to the fact that I always like to make a rock star showing straight out of the gate - even though I realize that it might take a few tries to get the results I want. (This is also similar to my initial LSAT results.)

Tonight, instead of checking to make sure all the tips my No. 2 HB pencils are as sharp as they can be and that I comply with all the regulations that have been set out for me, I am making sure my running attire is clean and in a place I can find them as easily as possible; it will be, after all, the crack-ass of dawn when I have to get up. Instead of figuring out which college campus I have to find parking at, directions on how to get to the race site have been obtained. This time, electronic devices are not prohibit which make me happy to hear because I couldn't imagine not running without music playing.

Tomorrow, instead of testing my cognitive abilities, I am testing my physical abilities.

As I think more and more about the two, I find the link that would not be obvious to anyone but me . . . Both the LSAT and running this 5k race are both things that I have talked about doing for many years - somewhere around the 10 year mark to be more specific. Things I only dared to dream of doing, but never dared to actually take action. Both are things I'd label as "one of my silly ideas."

However, I eventually dared to take action, and stopped thinking of them as "silly ideas." It's kind of a strange feeling when you begin to make these things reality. It's also a bit scary because you don't know how they are going to turn out.

The nice thing about both of these things is that if I don't end up at law school my life will go on; it won't be the end of my world. To that accord, even if my time tomorrow isn't super impressive I can still say I completed the race, which is something I have never done before, and something a lot of people never attempt.

Additionally, this won't be the last race I participate in . . . there are many more to come.

Until later . . .

13.10.11

Life Is Uncertain

It was around this time 10 years ago. After a night out with a friend, I made my way back to the suburbs via the el. I had parked my car at a local suburb el station and took the train in for my night out. I figured it would be easier than trying to find parking. The trip home was a two-step process. The first step was to take the red line from the city to the end of the line and then transfer to the purple line. What I didn't anticipate was that I would be making my way home during the wee hours of the morning.

During the first leg of the trip, myself and two other females encountered a rather large guy who was acting a bit aggressive towards us. This was the first time during this ride home I realized that maybe I should have paid more attention to the time. Thankfully, the guy wasn't so aggressive as to actually try to touch us. However, I did become fast friends with the two other girls waiting for the same train. In our minds there was safety in numbers. I sat with the others until they got off the train. Then I sat alone making sure I was extremely aware of my surroundings. Minutes after getting off the red line train at the end of the line I realized another purple line train wasn't coming for about another 3 hours. I panicked for a moment. The area I was in wasn't the safest neighborhood and I had to figure out what I was going to do. Thankfully, when I Ieft the station there were two cabs parked across the street. This was perfect since another passenger of the same train I was on was in a similar boat as I. I was also thankful because those were the days when cabs didn't take credits card. It just happen that my whole night out had been comped so I had just enough case to cover the fair back to my car. I was lucky to have gotten out of that situation without anything happening to me.

This week, for the Thursday Blog project Sara asked us to give our thoughts on whether or not we felt the world was more unsafe now, than it was 50 years ago. Or, are we just more aware of it now, than we were back then?

I didn't use the best judgement in the above story. I should have thought through the possibilities for that particular evening a little bit more than I did. However, the situation itself isn't the most unsafe situation I've ever been in. Actually, the most unsafe situation I've ever been in started out as a safe situation, and turned into an unsafe situation. It's important to note this because as much as I think many of us would like to think life is predictable, it is really isn't THAT predictable. On a daily basis we put ourselves in situations that we think nothing of, because we think they are safe, but do in fact have the potential to become unsafe. The fact of the matter is that life itself is uncertain, and thus as a whole, unsafe.

In preparation I did some very lite research. What I that in the 20's and 30's crime wasn't reported with the same regularity that it is today and as a result not many statistics exist for that period of time. (It did state, however, that they did report dead bodies which I found interesting.) Furthermore, the information I read said that crime today is actually lower than it was in the 1970s. Though crime may be lower than it was in the 1970s, I believe as a society we may not feel this way because we hear about crime in our neighborhoods, and around the world, on a consistent basis. Technology has made this information so readily accessibility so new about crime is "in our face" all the time.

In my mind, I reconcile the uncertainty of life by reminding myself that I am making decisions that make me feel safe, yet still allow me to live my life. Additionally, it is that same uncertainty that pushes me to live life outside the box and take risks - such as skydiving - that I might not have otherwise taken.

Now that I've shared with you my thoughts on whether or not our world is safer now than it was 50 years ago, please take a moment to read what my fellow bloggers have to say:

Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Until later . . .

6.10.11

A Slice Of Humble Pie

BFF was the one that called me out on it. I had just commented to her that I really didn't have the time to date like I had hoped since I was prepping for the LSAT - amongst all the other things I had going on in my life - and would need to make the guy I had gone out with a few times aware of this little tidbit of information. That's when she pointed out the irony of that statement as I had once been on the receiving end of similar news. (It wasn't because of the LSAT, but law school was involved.) After BFF made her comment, I did a bit of back-pedaling. I said it was different because it wasn't an invested relationship and I probably wouldn't have continued on seeing this person even if I didn't have the LSAT to think about; however, I did understand what she was trying to point out.

This week, for the Thursday blogging group topic I asked everyone to take a minute to think about a time when they walked in someone else's shoes for awhile and it helped them understand better what that person was experiencing. I asked everyone to reflect upon their experience and to discuss what effect it had on them... Were they more sympathetic towards others who have those circumstances? More humbled? Or, did it not change their outlook at all?

My first LSAT experience was a definite wake-up call for me. Aside from making me take a step-back from the whole process and really think long and hard, again, about whether or not I should apply to law school altogether it also reminded me about what had happened to me. It made me want to go back to the person I mentioned above and tell them I now got what they were trying to impress upon me. It also made me realize that sometimes you think you know, or have an idea, what someone is really going through, but the truth of the matter is that you don't.


Soccer Mom For A Day

Recently, I helped S one weekend take her kids to their soccer tournaments. Mr. S was out-of-town, and she needed to be in two places at one time. When she asked me to help her I was more than happy to do so.

Our day started bright and early - my itinerary showed I needed to be at her house by 8:45 AM to pick up Mac 'N Cheese for his game in a neighboring town. This mean I would need to be up and out by 8 AM at the latest. Though they don't live too far from me I knew that caffeine was a must and I would need extra time to acquire it.

After an early start, and two rounds of getting the boys ready and to their games and home, I was beat! Seriously, I never knew it would take so much energy out of me. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun that day, but man.... I mean, aside from the fact that I had gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before, I'm not sure why it took so much energy out of me, however it did.

Later that evening, as S and I sat at their kitchen table discussing this and that it was easy to tell we were beat. Somewhere around 8:30 PM, I told S I was done for the evening and was heading home - I was ready to go to sleep. That is when she looked at me and said something to the effect of, "Welcome to my world."

My "Soccer Mom" for a day experience truly furthered appreciation for the art of parenting. It made me realize why my friends who are parents aren't always up for evening plans on the weekends.


Now I Get It

Usually I'm the one understanding where others come from; not the other way around. That is until about a little over a month ago . . . . I was catching up with a friend over coffee when they told me that they finally understood a lot of the things I had talked to them about 9 months prior. It all made sense to them now. I really didn't react to what they said. I just sat there trying to make sure I heard them right. They had just validated how I felt which is something I cannot recall ever happening to me prior to that moment. I mean, I'm sure it has happened before, but at that moment I could not pin-point another moment it had happened.

A few weeks later, as I was talking to someone else about some things going on in my life they to expressed that what I was saying made sense to them and they completely understood where I was coming from. Once again, I didn't say much about it, but I hearing that made me happy.

Last week, at Rosh Hashanah dinner, I was talking to a cousin of mine. I didn't even have to go into vast details... All I had to say were five words and she got it. She echoed how I was feelings without having me even say the words. Validation. Do you see a trend? There is a comfort that comes when you understand someone understands were you are coming from. There is a bond that is formed.

I'm including these stories in here for two reasons . . . First, there were the experiences that were the inspiration for this topic. Second, I want to demonstrate the importance of being able to understand where someone is coming. I don't always understand because I haven't had the same experiences as all the individual I know; however, I'd like to think I try the best I can to understand, and be understanding. It's something I am constantly working on.


In the end, "walking a mile in someone else's shoes" I have learned that I need to remember to be more understanding than I am at times. Sometimes, I almost thrive on walking that mile so I can better understand those around me, and relate to them better (especially those that are closest to me in my life).

Now that I have talked about my thoughts on "walking a mile in someone else's shoes," please take a moment to read what my fellow bloggers have to say about the topic:

Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Until later . . .

2.10.11

Mr. Perfect

I didn't give him the nickname "Mr. Perfect."

It was someone else who did it. Apparently, I had spent enough time discussing how "perfect" this acquittance of mine was that she felt the title fit him well. As I drove home that day from Southern Belle's house all I could think about was why I was so hung-up on Mr. Perfect.

This week for the Thursday blog project, Susanna asked us to talk about who we are jealous of, and why.

First and foremost, I don't like to get jealous of others. I feel it's not productive or worth the energy to be jealous of others. However, I believe it's normal to be jealous or envious of others from time-to-time.

I don't like picking on one individual in particular. Especially someone who is such a nice individual. The reason I mentioned Mr. Perfect doesn't have anything to do with be necessarily being jealous or envious of him, it has to do with the idea that I envy those that seem to be perfect and/or seem to have things come to them with out much struggle or effort. Mr. Perfect just happens to embody the elements of what I perceive to be perfect.

I realize that no one is perfect. I also realize that every set of circumstance we are handed in life comes with its own set of issue - the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?! I just think it's sometimes difficult to remember that when you are in the thick of your seemly uber imperfect world. Or, when you see someone accomplish something you can't or pick something up with no effort at all while you need to take much longer to accomplish the same thing.

Now that I've talked about jealousy, please take a moment to see what my fellow bloggers had to say about the same topic:


Mom of Many (Susanna)

Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Until later . . .

24.9.11

A Trip To The Farm

Last October I joined a board recruitment volunteer project for an organic farm learning center.

The timing of this project was perfect in a few way. First, I had just rolled-off my first board recruitment project so there was no lag time between projects. Second, a few of my friends had joined a farmshare that past summer so I was in the process of learning about the organic farms and the urban farming movement. The project lasted 9-months and during that time on several occasions are primary contacts with the organization had mentioned that we were welcome to visit the farm once the summer months were upon us.

"Hell yes!" I was totally up for such an experience. Throughout this project I had learned tidbits here and there about organic farming which made me want to know more. Additionally, I wanted to see the program our efforts would hopefully enhance firsthand. Unfortunately, once the project was over coordinating such an outing fell by the waste-side... That is I took the bull by the horns and began to coordinate things.

Today, three of our six team members made a trip out to Caledonia, IL for a walking tour of the Angelic Organics Farm. For approximately three hours we toured the grounds . . .

Before I go into some of the details of the tour, I would like to say I did have my camera with me and took LOTS of picture; however, it appears I cannot find my card reader (or my SD cards that were with it) at this time. So, any pictures I took are being held hostage until I either 1) find my card reader; or 2) decide to buy a new one.

The first half the tour focused on the principles on which the farm is run, learning about the different types of equipment used and the types of vegetables grown on the farm. During this portion of the tour, the group got the opportunity to sample various veggies currently being grown. They are were tasty! I have to admit I was naive to exactly how much goes into growing fruits and vegetables, let alone organic farming. It is not something I really think about when I am at the grocery store picking out these items. After today I a new appreciation for the process.

Before embarking on the second half of the tour, our guide talked about various structures on the grounds such as their clay and stone oven that was built in a day, or how they have an architect that specializes in building structures out of trees and tree branches versus pressed wood that you would get from Home Depot of Lowe's. The structure we looked at were amazing and I was impressed by the capabilities of the stone oven.

The second leg of our touring focused on the animals that currently reside on the Angelic Organics farm. Amongst the animals on this farm you will find cows, goats, chickens and a horse. I would like to note that the farm does not have any sheep. This made me a bit sad as I have a special affection for sheep, but since there are places local to me were I can visit sheep I was not too sad.

The cows that reside on the farm are there to produce manure which is used during the farming process. The milk that comes from the goats on the farm is used to make cheese. The chickens lay eggs every 24 to 48 hours. Our tour guide mentioned to us that they typically have eggs available for sale, but recently the chickens were not producing enough so there were none for us to buy. This was another thing I was sad to hear. Back in December, each member of my project team had received a dozen of these organic eggs as a thank you for the work we were doing. It was the first time I had had organic eggs so I took one of my store bought eggs did a side-by-side comparison. The eggs I had received greatly surpassed the eggs at home on so many levels - (i.e. appearance, taste). One of the things about this visit I had been looking forward to was purchasing some eggs. (Oh well!) However, as we walked around this area of the farm, someone found a bunch of eggs nested in two different areas of the field. Apparently not all the chickens were using the chicken coop to lay their eggs as they were suppose too. Yes, the mystery surrounding the low-levels of egg production had been solved! All that said, I have to admit it was tempting to take one of the eggs that got laid while we were visiting the chicken coop, but I didn't. I did, however, get to hold a newly laid egg... it was amazing,simply amazing. One minute there was nothing in the nest and the next minute there was an egg; warm to the touch.

After the tour concluded my group had one more objective in mind - we wanted to meet Farmer John. One of our group members had interviewed him as part of our project and we thought it would be nice to make the in-person connection. For me part of my interest in meeting him had to do with the fact that I had watched the documentary about him and his farm - "The Real Dirt On Farmer John." It was an excellent documentary on the history of the farm and I'm glad I saw it before I visited the farm. It truly enhanced my experience.

Typically Farmer John doesn't meet with the tour group because he is a very busy, however he was kind enough to visit with us for a few minutes since we had worked on a project that would have an impact on the learning center that is associated with his farm. During this time Farmer John took us to a few areas that weren't covered on the tour such as some of the living spaces that are on the farm for those staying overnight. Also, we saw were the farm staff gathers to hangout and relax and the kitchen which has a table that holds up to 18 individuals for periodic farm staff meals. It was an honor to be given access to these areas. For me it really brought together what I had learned about the farm from the movie and on the tour. Additionally, getting to meet Farmer John was a wonderful experience. I got a true sense of his passion for farming, and organic products.

All said and done, my experience today was one I will treasure for years to come. Also, it has given me a greater appreciation for the production of fruits and vegetables, organic products and farming in general that I will carry with me each and every time I visit my local grocery store.

Until later . . .

22.9.11

They Should Call It A crackPhone

For the Thursday blog project this week, Melissa asked the group: What is your biggest addiction or vice?

"I don't know what I did without this thing."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say that about their iPhones. Before I got one, I'd chuckle whenever I heard this statement made. Then I got one. . .

It didn't take me long to realize I was going to be addicted to my iPhone. FireFly was with me the day I purchased it and she just laughed at me the whole time we were hanging out that day. I even apologized profusely to her as I sat at dinner and played with my new toy. I also I issued an apology on this blog to everyone I ever gave a hard time to about type of behavior and to anyone I would potentially offended in the future.

I was sure my addiction to my phone would subside over time, but it hasn't. Now I hear myself saying, "I don't know what I did without this thing." (Mainly to other iPhone owners.) Thankfully I haven't met one iPhone owner who feels differently.

My iPhone does so much for me.... It wakes me up in the morning with a very loud, yet effective, blaring alarm noise. I use it to time exercises when I'm working-out. Need a calculator? I got one! When I don't know where I'm going (or I've gotten lost) the Google Maps app gets me to where I need to go. All my favorite tunes are housed on my phone as well. Also, I have many game options (Words With Friends being my most recent favorite) to play when I'm bored. Phone numbers and e-mail addresses can be accessed within seconds. Oh, and if I lose power I'm not worried - I've got a flashlight as well! I could go on about all the countless functions my phone serves, but I think you get the point.

With that in mind I probably futz with it more than I should while I'm hanging out with friends. I'm not exactly sure why I feel the need to look at it all the time. Maybe it should be called a "crackPhone" instead. Hmmm... I don't know that Apple's marketing department would go for that. Regardless, I'm glad I took the plunge. I can say with 100% confidence it was money well spent - even if it meant taking on this new addiction.

Now that I've told you about one of my many addictions, please take a look at what my fellow bloggers have to say about their addiction or vice:


Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Momarock (Sara)


Until later . . .

18.9.11

It Wasn't Physical But It Still Really Hurt

For the Thursday Blogging group project this week, momarock picked the topic: What is the worst physical trauma (or pain) you've ever been in?

Before I start with my post, I want to say I thought LONG and HARD about what I was going to write about and kept coming back to this. This is truly the worst and most painful trauma that I have been through in my life . . . .

Throughout my life I've been bumped, bruised and even taken to the hospital for a sprained ankle after the tires on my bike slipped and landed my left ankle (which might I say had already been sprained once before this incident). However, the greatest physical trauma I've ever experienced, and left the greatest scar, did not come from being physical injured.

Unless you are close to me, you probably would not guess I am a Domestic Violence Victim Survivor. On the surface I look like your average, middle-aged women going about her day-to-day life, but that is not the case . . .

Sometime ago I was associated with someone who was emotionally, psychologically and mentally abusive. Like most domestic violence stories it did not start out this way. The individual in question was kind and caring - someone I was very close too; however, overtime that changed. Before I knew it, the kindness and caring also came along with put downs and anger... and then violent behavior such as throwing things in my general direction when they were mad at me. All the abuse came to a head one evening and ultimately ended in an arrest.

In the early days, after the arrest, I did not sleep well. Insomnia and I were best buds and I got to know the late-night/early-morning TV schedule extremely well. As one would imagine this took a toll on my energy levels during the day. I was extremely thankful I had a few places at work to take naps on my lunch hour. However, that just was not enough rest to get me through the day and when I would get home from work I would immediately go to sleep after I ate dinner. This only furthered my sleep deprivation issues. I could usually run this pattern for three or four days at a time before needing to have a marathon sleep session - 12 to 14 hours of sleep at one time. Naps in the middle of the day on the weekends were a given.

Another physical reaction to all this trauma was that I lost 20 pounds in about a month and a half. During that time period someone once told me I needed to eat more... I simply replied that I was eating - a lot - however my body was in such an alarmed state that my metabolism was burning those calories quickly.

All the "physical stuff" last six months, tops. That is why I say "it was not physical, but it still really hurt." In my situation, I feel the physical effects were the easy part to get through. I still had many emotional wounds to heal. As I ventured into the legal portion of my domestic violence experience, I learned that since I had not been physically hurt should the continuation of the protection order I had petitioned to get extended be contested there was a chance it would not be granted. At that very moment I couldn't even begin to explain how devalued I felt. I remember standing in the courtroom feeling completely blind-sided. On many occasions I commented that I recognize the legal system needs to have tangible guidelines in order to convict someone of a crime; however, I am here to tell you being told, during some of the worst hours of your life, that since you do not have a physical scars the person who you fear the most in life may be allowed to be in a room alone with you just adds to the already deep-seeded panic and anxiety you already carry around on a daily basis. (A feeling that is like a paper weight on your shoulder.)

Being put down and manipulated, amongst other things, takes a toll on ones being and can mess with them years after the abuse has ended. For me, it's been a long road. It's been difficult to mend the wounds that formed so quickly. In the beginning, when I would talk about what happened, I would cry uncontrollably. No matter how hard I tried, the tears would emerge as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I would shake and my heart would race. Then, over time I stopped crying. Soon after that I stopped shaking and my heart stayed at a steady, regular pace as I would relay details.

These days, I can talk about those times as if I were talking about what I had for dinner. I do not break-down anymore. (At least I don't 99% of the time.) Actually, I think those that know me are amazed by my ability to talk (and write) about those times in such an unemotional and matter of fact way, however that doesn't mean I still don't feel the pain.

I am not the person I was before the abuse. This event undoubtedly changed me. When I say that, I like to think of the positive ways it changed me. It's motivated me to help others like me heal. It's forced me to really be sure the people I am sharing my life with are good people. It gives me the motivation to give myself a swift-kick in the ass when I can recognize I need it the most. However, I also recognize that it has changed me in negative ways as well .... and I am constantly trying to minimize this part of things.

I really wish I could fully put into words the hurt I felt from this experience, but I will never really be able too. Unfortunately, you need to experience it yourself to understand. That is why I really hope you don't understand. Ultimately, it's my hope that I do not know many who can relate to the pain I experienced.


Now that I have talked about my most traumatizing pain, please read what my fellow blogger have to say . . .

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Momarock (Sara)

Until later . . .

13.9.11

Passive Aggressive Thoughts?

For sometime I've wanted to use "Passive Aggressive Thoughts" as a subject for one of these thoughts posts.

As time went by I found myself wanting to talk about this idea of how these thoughts posts could been seen as passive aggressive. That has since flowed into how blogging can be passive aggressive...

I believe blogging itself can be a passive aggressive activity if you want it to be. If you know who your audience is, or potentially who they may be, it's easy to tailor the message of your post to a particular party(ies) rather than face them directly.

When I first started this blog I will admit there were posts that were passive aggressive. When I look back on them I'm not proud of this fact, but I am mature enough to admit what it was I was doing. I guess at the very least I am proud I can recognize that simple fact.

I am also proud of how open I've become on this blog. Over the past couple of weeks I've written in some depth about topics I would not have ever written about even last year. I am thankful that I can do this. I am thankful that I have the confidence to write about personal matters in a way that I feel others can relate too, yet do not complete violate the privacy I hold so dear. With that said, these days, any passive aggressive thoughts expressed on this blog are not on purpose. More so they are the result of wanting to express some thoughts I have openly, but not as openly as I would others. These are the thoughts are about things that are truly personal - and a lot of times emotional.

I guess that was my first "thought" for this post... With that in mind, it's time to get to the others -- others that I hope aren't passive aggressive either:


• I don't really know any of my neighbors, and they really don't know me. However, this morning when I was locked out of my place one of them was kind enough to offer to help me. It was really thoughtful and kind - especially since the whole situation made me run late which just added to my frustration.

• To add to my day, I got yelled at - twice - for something I didn't even know about. Even when I tried to explain why I wasn't sure I got yelled at even more. When I told a few people about all this later on in the day their reply was, "It's been over a week and you've only been yelled at twice.... You're lucky!"

• Three years ago knitting saved me from the craptaism going on in my life. It sounds overly dramatic to say, but it's very true. Nowadays it's not knitting that saves me from craptaism, it's running and derby.

I started to run again because I remembered it was something that made me happy. I decided that doing things that made me happy would help me remain happy when things craptastically sucked.

As for derby.... my venturing back into the world of skating started back in January when I went ice skating. I was like a little kid again. It was the best three or so hours of my life. (At least at that moment in time.) Then, when I got back on roller skates again... I was in heaven! Nine years ago I turned in my skates (at the time roller-blades) because of an epic fall I took while blading. I wish I hadn't let that fall make me so scared to get back on skates again. I keep remembering that whenever I take a fall. I don't want that to be the case again as I've totally been bitten...

• While I was skating this weekend I found myself thinking that the next guy who's lucky enough to call me his girlfriend has to be able to deal with all this derby stuff. Furthermore, it would be rad if he were to like skating (ice and/or roller) himself.

• For the longest time my wedding dress was at my former neighbor's home where I had left it the day I moved out of my old home. Then after I picked it up it lived in the trunk of my car for sometime. After that in a closet in my place. On several occasions I've tried to figure out where to donate it too. Goodwill? Salvation Army? Consignment shop? Recently, as I was cleaning stuff out I came across it and wondered why I still had it. I put it in a pile with all my donation items. I felt that was the best way to finally commit to getting rid of it. Finally, I found someone to take my wedding dress. Someone I knew who is studying fashion design. They are excited to be getting it and I'm pleased that I can help them out. I'm glad they will be able to use the fabric and give it new life.

However, even more so, I'm excited to get it out of my life - FINALLY! There is no place for it in my life anymore. There hasn't been for sometime.

• This is one of those times I might be passive aggressive. It's something that I get a bit emotional about. I'm still trying to reconcile the fact that I still care. Especially since I realize though I still hold hope of a second chance, but realistically know that its potential is slim. Whatever happens I'm trying to remind myself that this is the way it's suppose to be.

• I spent two hours in my car this evening. It took me TWO HOURS to get home. I wasn't pleased, but I manged. As a "reward" I treated myself to a bad-for-me dinner. As I walked to my place I spotted a new friend I refer to as "The Twin." (A long story that I might tell one day.)

The Twin and I randomly bump into each other now and then.... I guess this was one of those times. When I saw The Twin I decided it was ok my commute had taken so long, otherwise we probably wouldn't have seen each other. I guess things happen for a reason?

• Kind of circling back to when life is craptastic . . . when I'm down and out I have a tendency to withdraw. I make the decision for others that they don't want to be around me. I want to say that I am extremely thankful for those that remind me why I shouldn't do this and furthermore those that make sure I don't do this - or at least don't do it for too long.

• Elephants. There are a lot of elephant cliches going around these days; mainly between BFF and I. There is a "purple suede elephant" in my life that I really want out of the room, but I just can't seem to make it move. Hopefully this will change soon ....

Ok, though I'm not sure that I've totally accomplished what I wanted to with this topic, I think that is all for now. It's late, I'm tired and I have an early morning. So possibly I will revisit the topic, however for now I will say ....

Until later . . .

11.9.11

Derby Digest: Something To Do With Falling

Well, it happened. I knew it would happen, I just didn't expect it to be so soon. Furthermore, I didn't expect that it wouldn't be at an actual practice or bout.

What am I talking about? Well, this past weekend I fell while skating and bang-up my right knee. At first glance it looked awful - I think I actually saw the color purple around the edge of the wound. As I said, I was at an open skate time at a local rink. What adds more insult to injury is that it was during an adult skate and the rink floor was basically empty. I couldn't blame it on someone else being in my way.

In the seconds that proceeded my fall, I had four thoughts. Oddly enough the first three were not "OUCH!"... they were:

1) CRAP MONKEY! I hope this doesn't screw-up my knee and make it so I can't run or go to derby practice.

2) SO THANKFUL we practiced falls this past week!

3) Must get up and keep going!

4) Oh, yeah... OUCH!

Oh, now that I think about it, there was another thing I thought... "Man, I shouldn't have left my knee pads in my bag."

Clearly the first thought I had shows where my priorities were at that very moment. I didn't want this fall to effect my ability to participate in derby or running. I believe this to be a valid concern. I can't image not being able to run or participate in derby. Especially so early on in my derby career. As for running... my race is fast approaching and I'll be damned if I'm not able to participate because of one fall.

Thankfully, we practiced how to fall this past week. There are several types of falls we practiced. When I heard we were going to learn how to fall I was nervous. I mean who the hell purposely makes themselves fall? Also, I wasn't sure how good I was going to be at falling. It became apparent, fast, learning how to fall wasn't going to be a problem for me. I got three of the four fall down pat right away. Here's the thing... what's I've since learned is that at least knowing one "right way" to fall makes all the difference!

After the fall I picked myself up and tried to get going again. Seriously, I tried skating another lap around the rink. Though the thought of "OUCH!" did enter my mind at this point, I felt like if I were really serious about staying with derby it was important to keep going. However, then my responsible side kicked-in and realized I should at least take a few moments to survey the damage, clean it up as best as possible and ice it a bit. So that is what I did.

During this process I thought a bit about why I didn't put on my knee pads. The reason - I didn't think I'd need to for open skate. Derby practice, absolutely! However, open skate... really?! Needless to say, going forward, anytime I put on a pair of speed skates I will surely put on knee pads as well.

This fall was not epic when it comes to falls. Back in 2002 I fell roller blading and banged-up my knee a lot worse. I would say the damage was at least double of what my knee looks like at the moment. With that in mind, any fall shouldn't be taken lightly. As I've been managing the after effect of all this I keep thinking about how falling on the rink is like falling in any part of your life... it happens and the important part is how you pick yourself up and move forward. After I cleaned-up the wound and took some time to ice it, I got back on the rink and continued to skate. I didn't want this incident to stop me from doing something I love and enjoy so much.

Cleaning up a wound is like taking care of yourself after taking any kind of hit in life. I'll admit there are "life falls" that I have not managed as well as I've managed this recent skating fall; however, I guess the important part is that I learn from those times and constantly work to improve the next time.

Today, my knee is much better than it was yesterday, and I fully expect it will be even better tomorrow so I will keep on keepin' on because I know that is what I'm meant to do.

Until later . . .

10.9.11

Hey There Sexy!

For the longest time, my friend Yelper would start our chat conversations with by saying, "Hey Sexy!"

I'd cringe each and every time; "Sexy" was not a word I thought described me. Cute, pretty, sweet...ok, I'll go with those; however, "sexy" was a word I was not comfortable being use to describe me. Eventually, we once had a long discussion about why I wanted him to stop this behavior.... and afterwards he respected my wishes.

It's not Thursday, but this is my Thursday Blogging Group post... For this week's post I simply gave the group a topic and asked them to write about it in anyway they saw fit. The topic: Sexuality. .

Writing about the topic of sexuality of is a fitting way for me to end the summer. I feel it's been an ongoing theme in my life over the past three months. (Before I continue, I feel the need to say what I'm about to talk about is not about sex itself. This is NOT about my sex life.) What it is about , however, is the transformation that I have felt over the months when it come my comfort with my body and how I perceive other view me.

A few weeks ago, in the post This Baby Got Back I talked about the body issues I've had over the years and why, though tempting, I wouldn't opt for plastic surgery to resolve them These issues have fed into how I see myself, how I feel about myself and my sexuality.

The first time I had to really confront any of these things recently was back in June when I started running and working out. The extremely hot weather this summer forced me to wear workout clothes that I would otherwise would have not. Normally I am all about an over-sized t-shirt, however because I needed to stay cool my typical running attire has been a sports top and a pair of long boxers. The first time I wore these I was extremely self-conscious. I felt extremely exposed. Overtime, I got more comfortable I got more comfortable with this attire, but I still struggled with my comfort level.

I'm not sure when the switch flipped and I started feel more comfortable in my skin (or more comfortable than I ever have). I think it was during the month of July sometime. This summer, the heat was awful and instead of my normal office-friendly khakis during the week I opted for sundresses. I looked nice and keep cool-ish... or at least cooler than I was in long pants. As a result, people started reacting to me differently. I know it sounds silly, but I could tell a difference. Before I knew it, I was wearing sundresses and nice clothes not only during the week, but on the weekends as well. It made me feel good about me. For the first time, in a long time, I would look in the mirror and really liked what I saw.

Tying all this back to the theme of sexuality . . . I think being comfortable with yourself is an important part of sexuality. A lot of people I know took notice of this change in how I presented myself to the world. There was also a noticeable difference in my openness to express my sexuality. I'm not blatant when it comes to expressing my sexual side - or at least not in public. However, as I was making the transition I did notice a desire to have at least a bit of a subtle sex appeal.

The more I learn about roller derby the more I realize that there is a subtle sexuality to the sport. Though it isn't required, a lot of the woman who participate in the sport rock sexy looks. As I was shopping for derby duds last weekend, I found myself checking out the possibility of purchasing a pair of hot pant (aka - Daisy Dukes or Booty Shorts). This is something I've never purchased before and honestly didn't think was a look I could rock. However, when I started my derby adventure I promised myself I would try things that were outside of my comfort zone...

I have to admit, I kind of miss Yelper starting our conversation with "Hey Sexy!" I'm comfortable with it now and don't mind being described in that manner. When I think of this I smile. I like that I'm in this place when it comes to my sexuality. It feels nice to have the confidence to feel this way and furthermore be able to admit it.

Now that I've shared some thoughts of mine on sexuality, please take a moment to read what my fellow bloggers have to say:

Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Until later . . .

3.9.11

Derby Digest: Fresh Meat

About two months ago I started to entertain the idea of participating in Roller Derby. Though I had heard things about Roller Derby hear and there over I hadn't really paid THAT much attention. It took my friend mentioning an ad she saw on Craigs List to really get my attention about the sport and move me to learn more about it.

At the time I had heard that a local team was looking for new recruits, I was waiting for fate to determine what road I would be currently be traveling. There was a clear "if, then" situation taking place - If B, then not A OR If not B, then A. In early August that path was clarified and I was on my way to joining derby.

In the weeks that followed I experienced some interesting reactions to this decision. Most of the guys I told were taken a back by what they heard. My favorite response was the dude at Sports Authority who said something to the effect of, "You must be one tough chick." Hmmm . . . Tough? I don't know about that. When I told someone who was female the typical response was typically praise for what I was doing and then I was asked if I was going to rock fishnets as part of uniform. (Apparently for some people derby is about the clothes, not the sport. Oh, and your debry name.)

Getting back on skates after close to 20 some years was nerve-racking. I had been ice skating back in January and I thought I would have no problem making the transition. However, I was wrong. Prior to my first derby practice I went to a local rink on a open skate night. Once I got my skates on I can only describe how I was as shake-e-e. My first time around the rink I stayed as close to the wall as possible just in case I needed it. At one point, as this one young man passed by he asked me, "First time on skates?" I laugh and said, "No, just my first time in something like 20 years." He smiled and laughed and skated on. However, with every passing lap I gain more and more balance. As the night went on I appeared to be back in the saddle again. I was flying around the rink as if no time had passed. My confidence on skates was back. However, as fate would have it, I would take a fall that particular evening.

I have to admit I saw the fall coming, which I think is the worst kind of fall. Upon getting up on my feet and making my way off the rink I acknowledge the pain that came along with the fall. My first reaction was to complain about it, but I quickly nixed that behavior because I knew that if I was going to participate in derby I would have to suck-it-up... the reality of derby is that injury in this game is inevitable.

In late August, I went to my first official roller derby practice. On that particular evening all I did was skate around practicing my derby stance. Nothing super thrilling, but yet very important to master. What I also learned on this particular evening was that I did not have a name... That's right, no name. No one called me by the name my parents gave me, nor did they call me by the derby name I had picked out. To everyone there I was just "Fresh Meat."

Normally, I wouldn't answer to that name. Honestly, it sounds like something a douche-bag male would call his latest conquest; however, on this occasion I take no offense to it as I realize that is what I am until I pass the skills test each derby player is required to take. The first skill I learned was how to skate in derby stance. Derby stance is essentially when you bend down as much as you can and lean forward while you are skating. It help you balance and in the event that you fall it causes you to fall forward and not backward which is better because all your protective gear covers the front of your body - not the back. I didn't have a problem with skating in derby stance, but I will admit after doing so for close to two hours my back did hurt some.

Amongst the other things I'm beginning to learn are how to skate on one skate and hopping while on skates. As with derby stance, these skills are important to master for balance purposes and to help increase speed. The skating on one skate I don't quite have down, but I totally rocked-out the hopping. The other thing I am happy to have learned is how to go from sitting on the rink floor to a standing position. Remember I mentioned I fell my first time back on skates? Well, one that particular evening I actually had to get help getting up because I hadn't quite mastered that skill. So, the fact that I was able to get up on my own was HUGE to me.

As things stand now, I am looking forward to my next practice. It is my intention to make at least a weekly entry about my experiences as a "Derby Dame" on this blog so others can share in the adventure and excitement of roller derby as well.

I hope you will come along for the ride... Until later . . .

1.9.11

Bad-Assery

This week, for the Thursday Blog Project Susanna asked us to take a look at the article, "Tough Gals: Do They Still Exist?" and asked us to share give our thoughts of what the author had to say about women today being "girly - again."

Should you choose not to read the article, I will summarize it a bit. The premise of this article is that women in 2011 are moving farther and farther away from the feminist ideals of the 70's simply because they engage (and blog about) traditional female pursuits such as baking, gardening and... wait for it .... knitting or they decide to stay at home to raise their kids, etc.

As I began to think about what I wanted to say on this topic I kept coming back to the idea of what "bas-assery" really means. When I think of someone who is badass woman I think a woman who carves her own path. A woman who is not influenced by what is trendy. A woman who is confident in who she is and what she is about. For me being badass is not about what you do, but more about how you do it.

If knitting is your thing, than let me give you my shoe size so you can make me a pair of socks.

If you're into baking, I want to know when can I sample your treats?

With all this in mind, you might be able to guess where I stand regarding the author's point of view. I think the world I operate in would confuse her... On one side of the spectrum I'm a knitter. On the other end of the spectrum, twice a week I strap-on Roller Derby gear and learn the skills needed to compete in this aggressive sport. Does one activity make me more badass than the other? Absolutely not! What ultimately makes me "badass" is the passion and confidence I exude as I execute any activity I engage - work and volunteer project included. Ultimately, I like to believe what truly makes me "badass" is that I bring my own special style and flair to whatever it is I am doing, and don't feel the need to apologize for it.

Now that I have shared my thoughts on this thought-provoking topic, please take a moment to read what my fellow bloggers have to say about it:


Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Until later . . .

25.8.11

Thank You Mr. B!

This week's Thursday Blog topic is one that I have been thinking about a lot lately. Melissa asked the group to answer the following question: Who was your favorite teacher (any year of school) and why?

I'm amending this topic ever so slightly... I'm going to talk about the teacher who had the greatest impact on me.

First and foremost, I'd like to say at first I was going to write about several teachers. I've had many that I have learned lessons from; however, one teacher stuck stood out amongst the rest - Mr. Berardi, my Jr. High Physical Education teacher.

I laugh when I think about this because I don't have a good history with PE class. Honestly, it was in the top three classes that I liked the least. Math and Science (of any kind) occupied the top two spots - and what spot those subjects occupied was dependent upon what particular class I was taking at the time. They were basically interchangeable. However, PE always occupied spot three.

So, if this was one of my top three classes I liked the least you're probably asking yourself why I singling out my PE teacher as the one who had the greatest impact on me. Well, you have to know Mr. B to understand. When I look back upon my years in school I remember Mr. B for two reasons:

The first had to do with the mile run fitness test we were required to take twice a year. Yes, require. Twice a year we would go out to the Soccer field for said test. Once you completed four laps around (1 mile) you could go back to the school and change. I dreaded this test because I had NO ... I repeat NO endurance and could barely run half a mile let alone 1 mile. With that in mind I would typically start off said test running and then quickly slow-down to a fast-ish walk. I picked up my speed when I was nearing Mr B. and then slowed down again. All in all, I think I completed this test in somewhere around 20 minutes.


Periodically, as time has passed I keep going back to those one mile fitness tests. Sometimes it had to do with the fact that I was reminiscing with others on various school related stories with had, but on many occasions it had to do with the fact that I was recalling the way Mr. B would encourage us to not give-up, and to try as hard as we could. It wasn't something I bought into at the time, but as I matured (and my tenacious nature became more apparent) it stuck with me. It reminded me in the hardest of times to keep fighting.

As I train for my first 5K I think back to those one mile fitness tests and Mr. B's encourage a lot. Sometimes it makes me laugh. Especially since running is something I love to do and not just another school PE class requirement. It's hard for me to imagine there was ever a time I didn't enjoying it. I think about how one mile is not longer a struggle for me and how I am now all consumed with hitting that three mile mark. I think about Mr. B's word of encouragement as I negotiate with myself whether or not I'm going to quit or keep pushing on for just a little bit longer.

The second reason Mr. B stands-out amongst the many, many teachers I've had over the years has to do with his compassion and genuine interest in his student's well-being. This became apparent to me after my dad's passing. Can't recall the conversation verbatim, but it is the only conversation I remember having with any of my teachers at the time. This is not to say my other teachers didn't express their concern for me, however there was something about Mr. B that stood out amongst the rest of them. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was the last teacher I expected to say something to me about it. He never struck me as the teacher you would talk to about personal matters.

At least a year ago I friended Mr. B on Facebook. He is now retired and living in another state. As I would imagine, he is friended with a lot of his old student who adore him as much as I do. In the end I think this goes back to one of the greatest lessons I realized last year - you can never really anticipate who will have a significant impact on your life and what that impact may be. I'm thankful to have had Mr. B as a teacher and will never forget the lessons I learned.


Now that I've talked about a teacher who had a great impact on my life, I encourage you to read what my fellow bloggers have to say:

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Momarock (Sara)

18.8.11

This Baby Got Back

For as long as I can remember I've carried the majority of my weight in the lower half of my body. With the passing of time I've gotten mixed messages about this fact - On many occasions I've been called a "fat-ass" or made fun of because of the way my body is shaped. On others, I've been ogled by men because of it.

Like I said, mixed messages . . .

As for my feelings towards my body shape, well, that is varied. If I had to pin-point the times I felt the worst about it I would tell you it's when I'm shopping for clothes. I feel bad when I fall in love with a dress and then it just looks awful on me because of my shape. Oh, don't get me started on shopping for pants. This year I had to go jeans shopping for the first time in many, many, many years. The first attempt didn't go so well and I felt fortunate enough that I left the fitting room with my self-esteem in tact. (Thankfully, it didn't take long for me to find not only one, but two pairs of jeans that made me fall in love with my body again.)

So, why am I talking about something so uber personal? Especially considering the topic of body image is one I have deliberately steered clear of since I started this blog three years ago.

This week Sara, the Thursday Blogging Project resident Momarock, asked us to discuss our thoughts on plastic surgery. Her exact questions were: Would you consider plastic surgery? If so, what type? Why would you, or why wouldn't you?

***SIGH***

Recently, I voluntarily stepped on a scale. Typically I save this activity for my annual check-up. I feel putting a number to this part of life only exacerbates any negative body image issues I may have. I say all this knowing that I'm not a big person. If I had to describe my body type I'd classify myself as average with curves. However, my weight and body shape have been an issue my whole life. Even as a child I was told I was fat and not the right weight for my height. Additionally, I was also teased about my body shape. As a result I'm an adult who struggles to walk on the higher side of the line between having a positive and negative body image.

At times, I secretly wish I could afford liposuction to get rid of the problem in the blink of an eye. Then, I realize that my wish is something I do not really wish for. See, as much as I'd like to believe that I believe in plastic surgery the truth is I don't. Or, at least I don't believe it is the right way to achieve a desired physical transformation. In other words, I don't believe it takes the place of diet and exercise.

Two months ago when I started running again I did so with the intention of achieving the goal of running a 5K. About a week or two into training I made the decision to start doing weight training as well. I had come to the realization that by combining the cardio from my runs with strength training I could achieve a new goal that had surfaced - I wanted to look as good on the outside as I currently feel on the inside. Ultimately, I know that once I reach "my" ideal weight and tone a few muscles, that have needed a bit of toning for sometime, I will feel a thousand times better about the change than had I just thrown some money at the problem by getting surgery.

With that in mind, there are a few exceptions to my beliefs regarding plastic surgery. If it were to help with a health issue such as breast reduction surgery or helping a burn victim then I am all for it. I just don't see it as "plastic surgery." To me it's more like reconstructing a life.

It's when people, mostly women, use it to create the ideal body or try to defy the aging process that I begin to have a problem with it. I guess one could argue that it helps one self-esteem and psychological well-being, but no matter how perfect you may look on the outside I honestly believe it isn't the cure for feeling great on the inside.

Now that you've read about my thoughts on plastic surgery, this "baby with back" encourages you to read what my fellow bloggers have to say on the topic:

Momarock (Sara)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Until later . . .

11.8.11

That Was Then; This Is Now

A few weeks ago it hit me.

I don’t think about it often. Only when I have one of those “how long have we known each other” conversation with one of my friends I’ve known what seems like forever. That’s when I go into the “normal” train of thought to figure out that answer. It starts out something like:

“Well, I’ve been back here since August 2001 . . .“


This week, for the Thursday blog topic I asked the group to do a little retrospective on the past decade of their life. I asked them to think about things like if they are where they thought they’d be, what’s the biggest surprise, etc.

The timing for this post is not a coincidence. It was about this time 10 years ago I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off getting the last minute details together for my big move back to the Chicagoland area. Questions like:

• Did AgmanB have his ticket to Portland?

• Were my middle brother and sil sorry they had offered to house me after seeing all the boxes I shipped arrive on a daily basis?

And most importantly, in the back of my mind, I questioned if I was doing the right by moving back home. I was picking up the pieces from a life fail and it felt as though I was doing something clich̩ by running back to what seemed like a security blanket РHOME.

Asking AgmanB to keep me company on the drive home was a risk. We were friends from high school, but hadn’t spent any significant amount of time together. What if we had nothing to talk about for four whole days? Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. Actually, I think I picked the right person. AgmanB served as our entertainment director most of the time as I really love to drive. I can’t remember what we talked about, but I don’t recall there being any awkwardness or uncomfortable pauses in conversation. He kept things light-hearted which was perfect given the heavy nature of what was compelling me flee Portland.

“That Was Then”


The first couple of months… years… after moving back home were really about establishing myself again. Sure I had a built-in social network, but I didn’t want to rely on that for all my social activity. I knew I would have to branch out and development new friendships. However, that didn’t stop me from spending lots of time with BFF, AgManB and D – amongst others – at first. As time went on I'd make friends that were mine. People I had met on my own without the help of others. This was the first time in a long time this was the case. During my college and post-college years I had depended on one person in particular to make friends. Don’t get me wrong, I met some nice people this way; however, I wanted "my friends."

The other thing I wanted from this new life I was putting together was to go back to school for a graduate degree. I wasn’t sure in exactly what subject matter that degree would be, but I wanted to go back to school. Along those lines, I also wanted to explore a career in Human Resources. I was two years out of school and I didn’t feel the whole Public Relations track was possibility and HR had been something I was interested in as well. Last, but in no way least - I wanted my life to be an adventure. Up until that point, I hadn't tried anything adventurous. I played life VERY safe. It was time to take some chances and live life to the fullest.



This Is Now

I can tell you all about the cool stuff I've done over and goals I've accomplished over the past ten years like - traveling to Israel, nights out partying with my peeps, establishing myself as an Human Resource professional, etc.; however, the true significance in this ten year mile marker lies in the events of, and years following, 2008.

By far, 2008 was the hardest year I went through in the past ten years. Things I never would have imagined happening happened to me. However, when I look back at that year it was probably one of the best things that happened to me. In retrospect I look at 2008 as a wake-up call. I hadn't realized how far from away from "myself" I had traveled until everything went down.

For that matter, I didn't realize how far I had traveled away from myself until I recently got back to being "myself" again. I've talked a lot about this on this blog over the past months. Mainly because I was gone from this place for so long that my appreciation for who I am is even that much greater than it was before.

My career isn't where I want it to be - or for that matter where I thought it would be at this point in my life. There are aspects of my personal life that I would like to be different than they are momentarily. Also, if given a choice I wouldn't have gone through the events of 2008. However, despite those things I still thankful for the past decade of my life.

The young girl who drove cross-country to her security blanket is now a grown, mature woman who is thankful for what she does have and not as focused on what she doesn't. There is hope in her life for a even better tomorrow and an appreciation for all the experiences - good and bad - that she has had.

The last ten years have truly been an adventure. I will never forget them. However, I'm ready to put them to rest and look ahead to the future.


Now that I've talked about thoughts on the last ten years, please take a moment to see what my fellow bloggers have to say on the topic:

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Mom of Many (Susanna)

Momarock (Sara)

4.8.11

"Lose Yourself"

There is great emotion wrapped around this week's Thursday blog topic . . .

This week, Mom of Many - Susanna - asked us: What is your theme song? Is this song always your theme song or does it change based on the circumstances?

To date I believe I've written on this topic at least twice. Once during last year's blog project and, more recently, in May during the 30 days of Music Challenge. However, this time around I have yet another song to discuss.

So why do I say there is emotion wrapped around this topic?

When we got the topic for this week I was excited to write about it. The song I choose is one I've been listening to for years. When it was released in 2002 I was going through my second running phase. Back then I didn't have an MP3 player that allowed me to constantly loop the song so I was always thrilled to hear it when it came on the radio while I was running.

Recently, as I'm getting back into running this is a song I listen to often - especially when I'm at the point I want to just give-up. This song inspires me to stay in the game. (I think I once looped this song three times in a row during a run.)

On Tuesday evening I got some news that I was not pleased to receive. Actually it upset me a lot and it made me feel like somewhat of a failure. That's when my excitement towards writing this post did a 360. I wasn't sure how I was going to genuinely write about this song yet feel like I did about the news I received.

See, the song I choose is Eminem's "Lose Yourself."



Aside from having intense lyrics and a great beat the message of the song comes across crystal clear to me. It speaks to my tenacious nature. As a result, it inspires me.

My favorite line of the song is:

"Success is my only motherfucking option; failures not."

Profanity aside, I actually will scan back (or forward) to that spot in the song because it moves me so much. I keep it in the back of my mind when things get tough and I'm ready to give-up.

So I return back to the question: How do I write about this song that inspires me yet still stay true to how I am feeling? Furthermore - How do I write about this song when I sit here trying to determine if it is time to give-up? How will I write about this song when I don't know how it fits into this situation?

Thankfully it hasn't taken me long to come-up with some answers to the dilemma at hand. I'm beginning to find success within the perceived failure. I guess if anything, all this has taught me to dig deeper and to go beyond the surface of things.

I repeat: "Success is my only motherfucking option; failures not."

So, "Lose Yourself!"


Now that I have shared with you my life theme song, please take a moment to check out what my other fellow bloggers have to say about their life theme songs:



Mom of Many (Susanna)

Merryland Girl (Melissa)

Momarock (Sara)


Until later . . .
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