My Life Map

It was about 1 AM on the eve of Thanksgiving. I was restless and couldn't sleep.

So, I tried listening to a little Enya. That didn't help. Then I cruised Netfilx instant movie options. Still no winner. That's when I decided the only way I was getting any sleep this particular evening (morning) was to own what was really bothering me and attempt to do something about it. Even if it was a little something that would be something more than I had done in a long time.

All this led to what I now affectionately refer to as "my life map." What started out as a simple idea to organize a stack of business card I had (another attempt to make myself tired - do something productive) morphed into three potential paths I could take on this journey called life.

I didn't have all the details hammered out by the time I finally called it quits; however, I did have a fairly decent outline. The few details I had figured out were a-fixed to my kitchen walls in the form of 8.5x11 pieces of paper with various information scribbled on 'em, various printouts and each and every business card I had originally set out to organize hanging in an uber orderly fashion. The final result of this exercise was something only I could have come up with.

At first my life map was merely something I laughed at as I recalled the story to a few select friends. (I cherish the responses I got.) However, before I knew it I was taking action and beginning to flesh out the map more and more. During the weeks that followed I found myself spending more time in my kitchen then I think I have ever spent in any kitchen throughout my whole lifetime. I would just sit on the counter top across from my map, listening to my iPod and studying each and every detail I had recently added in an effort to figuring out what it meant in the grand scheme of things.

Though the map hung in my kitchen for sometime, it really didn't take me long to decide how I wanted to proceed. I knew deep down inside what I wanted long before even one piece of paper hit my kitchen wall; I was just afraid to admit it because I knew the obstacles that picking this choice would present me.

This past week I encountered the largest of those obstacles. I had anticipated this obstacle from the very beginning as being the one that would make or break the deal, but a large part of me hoped I was incorrect and that things would turn out differently. Even though I wasn't surprised by any means that I was right I was still disappointed. It halted three/four months worth of activity. It also didn't help that this all occurred at the same time as something else equally sizable occurred.

I took down the pieces of my life map weeks ago. Once it was evident where things were heading it didn't seem necessary to have anymore. However, for the past couple of nights I can't help thinking about that map and a how part of me wishes it was still a fixture in the space it once occupied. Especially since I now have to make more decisions, sooner rather than later, on how I'm going to proceed.

As with my initial decision, I believe I know what my next move is - I just don't want to admit it because I know I'm in for an uphill battle and it's going to be balls to the wall for this round. Thankfully, unlike four months ago, my ability to sleep does not seem to be threatened due to this current turn of events and I do not believe I will be seeking refuge this evening (or any other evening anytime soon) like I did on that particular November morning (evening).

At the very least, I guess whatever happens next I'll always have my map to guide me to my next destination.

Until later . . .